Disclaimer: this blog post is in no way related to the film "127 Hours", but is at least half as worthy of an Oscar.
Alright here we go: I’m 22 and I’m single. Yeah, I know, world’s smallest violin, but just let me have this, okay?
Now that we got that out of the way, I came home from my family’s Passover meal on Friday night a little bit mad and a little bit drunk. So naturally, I came home, took my pants off, grabbed a beer (why am I single again?) and made an account on OKCupid.
Also probably playing a role in this, both of my (divorced) parents have recently ended the relationships they were most recently in. Which obviously made me kind of upset, because my parents are the best. They’re pretty much my barometer for judging/meeting new people. This girl is wearing leggings as pants? No. A guy doesn’t open a door for me? C’mon … I probably have issues… Anyway, I can only assume this is why my parents divorced. Two people that awesome being married? I’m sure the world would just blow up (read: one of them would of set the other on fire.)
This was my first ever experience with online dating. I’ve gone on a few “dates” (or whatever… do people go on dates anymore?) with a few guys, some of them didn’t really go anywhere, but I was hoping some of them would. And I was kind of sure one of them would. But it didn’t.
I had never completely ruled out online dating, I was just all “I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way”. I had always felt that if I had joined an online dating site it somehow meant that I had finally given up, which I pretty much have. I don’t know. Something about it just made me a little uncomfortable. But as is the case when one starts drinking, being “uncomfortable” is quickly replaced by “lol IDGAF”.
First, I was pretty surprised with how easy it is to make an account on this thing. The hardest part is definitely thinking up a username, though. My friends were very helpful in this area, offering me such options as “sexci_jailbait” and “bjs_4_breakfst69”. I chose neither of these, but will keep them in mind.
After settling on a non-offensive username, free of the suggestive use of numbers, I was ready to go. It was a little bit worrying how not worried I felt. Oh wait never mind, the beer.
I would describe OKCupid as actually being a less creepy version of Facebook. I know , but just hear me out. On Facebook, you’re pretty much anonymously lurking whoever’s profile you have access to, and you may or may not admit to who you would sleep with.
But on OKCupid, you all pretty much know why you’re there, regardless of whether or not you indicated it on your profile. C’mon. You’re on OKCupid. You’re either lonely, horny, or both.
Secondly, you are actually able to see anyone who checks out your profile, and vice versa. Honestly this type of virtual attention isn’t all that bad. Because living in Montreal, I get the feeling that everyone is too caught up in themselves that they can’t let anyone think that they’re interested in anyone or anything.
So, I answered a few quick questions about myself, filled out the “Message me if…” section with “you’re funny and don’t have any dead nurses buried under your house.” Let’s just say some found this funny, and some… didn’t.
The site itself is pretty non-threatening though. There was literally no pressure to do anything. If you wanted to check out someone's profile you could. If someone messaged you, you didn’t have to message back. It's like you’re at a singles party your friend dragged you to, but you can just sit on the couch in your pajamas eating nachos while not talking to anyone. Which is basically what I do when I’m invited to singles parties, which is… never.
Within about half an hour, I got a message from a pretty average guy, who we will call Jeezy, which is, I know, awesome: “Hey, how’s it going?”
ATTENTION DUDES: THIS IS LITERALLY ALL IT TAKES.
So while Jeezy couldn’t really spell, he seemed like a pretty ok guy. But the site definitely has its fair share of weirdos. I mean I’m not saying that some 55 year old married man from New Hampshire didn’t check out my profile and message me, asking me what my favourite candy was… Oh wait, nevermind - that’s exactly what I’m saying. That happened.
So, yeah, OKCupid wasn't the worst. But I found myself constantly checking up on it. My email inbox was flooded with messages from the site, telling about new matches for me. When bored, I would click through people’s profiles with no intention of messaging any of them.
I deleted my account after 48 hours because this isn’t what I wanted. I want to meet you and talk to you and be nervous with you and judge you by your coffee order. I want to learn things about you and slowly piece together your personality. I want to talk to you while still imagining what it would be like to rip your clothes off.
This is pretty much why I hated reading other people's self-written bios. It gives people a chance to double-check and edit themselves, and that’s just no fun. It makes you seem partially well-adjusted, and you’re not. And that’s the best fucking part! We’re all weird as hell! No one knows what’s going on! So let’s get drunk and grope each other and maybe worry about it later.
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