is my blinker on?

At the most recent werewolf meeting, we concluded that only when a guy is already interested in a girl or when a girl is already  dating somebody (whatever that term means these days), do girls get unprecedented attention from men. Girls often go through several bouts of nothing that sometimes last months or even years. However, the second somebody shows vague interest, all of a sudden girls become man magnets. 

With the advent of laptops, the internet, faster planes, railroads, cars, and smaller phones, as well as our enforcement of gender and racial equality and democratic values, we are left under the impression that we are better than animals because we make complex things and think in more complex ways. However, I am convinced that we are just as animalistic as before. However we deny this animalism, and this fucks us up. Why is it that the second one guy decides to text a girl continuously, does another guy who showed vague interest months before, all of a sudden just appear in the girl’s life, demanding attention? 

I would like to call this the “guy must pee on girl” problem. Despite the fact that previously, guy 2 did not take any sort of action regarding his desire for the girl, only when proper ownership or "dibs" of the girl in question was threatened did he make a move and figuratively decide to try peeing on the girl. I wonder what it is that girls project or where the blinking light is located that goes off when they are already receiving male attention, and why it is that that attracts more male attention. Or, alternatively, I wonder if single girls emit desperation vibes somehow and that in itself is a turn off? All of this makes ZERO sense in the grand scheme of things. Logically speaking, if someone is already involved with somebody, men should not be more attracted to that person, but instead go for somebody who is single and available? If the western world is to sustain itself and not replicate children of men, guys need to stop only going for girls who aren’t available, and pursue girls who are down. Seriously, the world’s population is at risk. Ignore the blinkers. Just go for it. 

I don’t know. anyway. whatever.

Girls primp themselves, put on makeup, and wear nice, “form-flattering,” i.e. accentuating, clothes for a number of reasons. However, they primarily do this to attract a sexual partner. That is why when girls are around people they are comfortable with like their best friends or family, people who they aren’t trying to seduce, they are able to just go without these things and just be. Meanwhile, guys really don’t have to do much. I would say maybe they have to shower every so often, maybe brush their teeth sometimes, put on a clean shirt on the rare occasion, but on the whole they will get laid regardless if they do any of the aforementioned things. This, I do not understand. Has society not told us on several levels throughout our lives that men are the ones out for sex more so than women, and that they need women to do this (going to stay heteronormative on this one). Accordingly, they should ostensibly be the ones putting on colorful, tight clothes that show off their bodies, and strutting around hoping that we choose them and grace them with our presence and our participation in any sexual act or relationship.  Humankind has deviated from the animals in many ways, but a most striking way is in gender relations. One notable example is birds, where for the most part as far as I know (take note- I am not a biology student nor an expert on animal life), the male birds have colorful feathers and use this to attract the ladies. Why are we prancing around, begging for the attention? Also, once that attention is FINALLY gained (after agonizing hours of text message games), why is it that so many men decide they are over this shit, and move on to the next person. Also, why can men seemingly do that "on to the next one" thing so much more swiftly and carefree than women? We try SO HARD to achieve that level of nonchalance and yet it rarely seems to transpire, and when it does seemingly for other women, we doubt its veracity.  Several women I know, and I assume countless others, wish  they could go about sexual relationships in this manner:

Girl 1: Hi. I would like to have sex with you. Are you interested?
Boy 1: answer a) Yes. I have a penis. You are moderately attractive. Let’s go to whoever’s apartment is closest and use some form of pregnancy stopper.

answer b) no I have a girlfriend / wife / boyfriend / husband

answer c) No thanks.

And then, ideally, if this were to happen, and the boy’s answers were either b or c, the girl could just proceed to this conversation, somewhere else, later that day, without any major drama.

Girl 1: “Hi. I find you sexually attractive. Are you interested?”
Boy 2: Yes. I have a penis. You are moderately attractive. Let’s go to whoever’s apartment is closest and use some form of pregnancy stopper.

Girl 1: Cool let’s go.

If you are at a vending machine, and they are out of coke, but you are thirsty, you should arguably be able to just get over it and buy sprite. Or rather, alternatively, go to the dep across the street and buy coke there. But that does not happen. Girls tend to stand outside the vending machine for a while, thinking about why the machine didn't produce the coke. Girl 1 will then tend to mull on the fact that Boy 1 rejected her and think about the number of reasons why this could be the case and about what is wrong with her. Meanwhile, the reason she was rejected could be a number of things, and be entirely on him.

In any case because the world is populated by so many people, one would think it would be easier to adopt this “on to the next one” attitude. However, for some reason, it does not seem to be working for so many wonderful girls. Several of my friends and I have been told, or have just concluded ourselves, that in order to be a part of a relationship, to gain that elusive status, we must give up a part of ourselves. I have heard (mostly from older people. Mostly from parents) that us “smart” girls will meet the right person at some point who will appreciate our intelligence and our weirdness. However, I wonder if we do not need to sacrifice at least a part of ourselves in order to become a part of a “whole,” and also, if it is even worth it in the end when you become this shell of your true self. Are you more truly happy when you are your unbroken, single self, or is there greater happiness achieved in losing part of yourself in a relationship. I don’t know. Anyway. Whatever.

is this too obvious.

Men:

Women:

420

Today, I realize, is 4/20! What this actually is meant to celebrate, I am not quite sure (check Wikipedia if you are curious for the history). What I do know is that it results in many people smoking joints in public at 4: 20 pm on April 20^th, as a giant “fuck you” to society at large that regularly prohibits such behavior.  Everyone thinks that they are being extremely rebellious and badass by doing this in public, in the day time, where everyone can see. This made me wonder about the number of things that are considered pretty peculiar or even reprehensible in the daytime, like drinking, smoking pot, and having sex, but are considered fully acceptable at night. I believe that these acts fall within the heading of what historian Anna Clark calls twilight moments,  “those sexual activities or desires which people are not supposed to engage in, but they do.” She suggests that because these activities transpire under a shroud of darkness, they are merely perceived as temporary and that as a result, when it becomes day again, people “return to their everyday lives, and evade a stigmatized identity as deviant.”  Anyway, I am of the school of thought that says that if you are comfortable doing so, if you have no responsibilities for that day, if you use birth control, and if you aren't hurting anyone, go ahead and screw societal norms! Also, happy 4/20! Here are some songs that make things great. 

 fly girl get em- BJ the chicago kid

the recipe - Kendrick Lamar ft. Dr Dre 

Runaway - Kanye West ft. Pusha T

The beautiful ones / Sex is on Fire - Beyonce

Another You - Tony Williams ft. Kanye West

My 48 Hours on OKCupid

Disclaimer: this blog post is in no way related to the film "127 Hours", but is at least half as worthy of an Oscar.

Alright here we go: I’m 22 and I’m single.  Yeah, I know, world’s smallest violin, but just let me have this, okay?

Now that we got that out of the way, I came home from my family’s Passover meal on Friday night a little bit mad and a little bit drunk.  So naturally, I came home, took my pants off, grabbed a beer (why am I single again?) and made an account on OKCupid.

Also probably playing a role in this, both of my (divorced) parents have recently ended the relationships they were most recently in.  Which obviously made me kind of upset, because my parents are the best.  They’re pretty much my barometer for judging/meeting new people.  This girl is wearing leggings as pants? No.  A guy doesn’t open a door for me? C’mon … I probably have issues… Anyway, I can only assume this is why my parents divorced.  Two people that awesome being married?  I’m sure the world would just blow up (read: one of them would of set the other on fire.)

This was my first ever experience with online dating. I’ve gone on a few “dates” (or whatever… do people go on dates anymore?) with a few guys, some of them didn’t really go anywhere, but I was hoping some of them would.  And I was kind of sure one of them would.  But it didn’t.

I had never completely ruled out online dating, I was just all “I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way”.  I had always felt that if I had joined an online dating site it somehow meant that I had finally given up, which I pretty much have.  I don’t know.  Something about it just made me a little uncomfortable.  But as is the case when one starts drinking, being “uncomfortable” is quickly replaced by  “lol IDGAF”. 

First, I was pretty surprised with how easy it is to make an account on this thing.  The hardest part is definitely thinking up a username, though.  My friends were very helpful in this area, offering me such options as “sexci_jailbait” and “bjs_4_breakfst69”.  I chose neither of these, but will keep them in mind.

After settling on a non-offensive username, free of the suggestive use of numbers, I was ready to go.  It was a little bit worrying how not worried I felt.  Oh wait never mind, the beer.

I would describe OKCupid as actually being a less creepy version of Facebook.  I know , but just hear me out.  On Facebook, you’re pretty much anonymously lurking whoever’s profile you have access to, and you may or may not admit to who you would sleep with.

But on OKCupid, you all pretty much know why you’re there, regardless of whether or not you indicated it on your profile. C’mon.  You’re on OKCupid.  You’re either lonely, horny, or both.

Secondly, you are actually able to see anyone who checks out your profile, and vice versa.  Honestly this type of virtual attention isn’t all that bad.  Because living in Montreal, I get the feeling that everyone is too caught up in themselves that they can’t let anyone think that they’re interested in anyone or anything. 

So, I answered a few quick questions about myself, filled out the “Message me if…” section with “you’re funny and don’t have any dead nurses buried under your house.”  Let’s just say some found this funny, and some… didn’t.

The site itself is pretty non-threatening though.  There was literally no pressure to do anything.  If you wanted to check out someone's profile you could.  If someone messaged you, you didn’t have to message back.  It's like you’re at a singles party your friend dragged you to, but you can just sit on the couch in your pajamas eating nachos while not talking to anyone.  Which is basically what I do when I’m invited to singles parties, which is… never.

Within about half an hour, I got a message from a pretty average guy, who we will call Jeezy, which is, I know, awesome: “Hey, how’s it going?”

ATTENTION DUDES:  THIS IS LITERALLY ALL IT TAKES.

So while Jeezy couldn’t really spell, he seemed like a pretty ok guy. But the site definitely has its fair share of weirdos.  I mean I’m not saying that some 55 year old married man from New Hampshire didn’t check out my profile and message me, asking me what my favourite candy was… Oh wait, nevermind - that’s exactly what I’m saying.  That happened.

So, yeah, OKCupid wasn't the worst.  But I found myself constantly checking up on it.  My email inbox was flooded with messages from the site, telling about new matches for me.  When bored, I would click through people’s profiles with no intention of messaging any of them.    

I deleted my account after 48 hours because this isn’t what I wanted.  I want to meet you and talk to you and be nervous with you and judge you by your coffee order.  I want to learn things about you and slowly piece together your personality.  I want to talk to you while still imagining what it would be like to rip your clothes off.

This is pretty much why I hated reading other people's self-written bios.  It gives people a chance to double-check and edit themselves, and that’s just no fun.  It makes you seem partially well-adjusted, and you’re not.  And that’s the best fucking part!  We’re all weird as hell!  No one knows what’s going on!  So let’s get drunk and grope each other and maybe worry about it later.