If You Don't Have A Date, Celebrate

At age 23 (fine, I’m 2 weeks shy of 23.  Sue me), I can, on most days, say that I am pretty confident with who I am, both physically and mentally.  I go through each day without being too preoccupied with what others think, because I’m only a little preoccupied with what others think, because I’m 23.  I woke up this morning freaking the geek out about my “future”, and getting a job and whatever, but then I had a coffee, laughed at myself and continued with my day.

Anyway, after years of looking at other seemingly more attractive/funny/girly girls with a “why aren’t I like them” attitude, wondering why they are in relationships while I’m at home watching TLC’s What Not To Wear with my friend on the phone so we can play by play it, I’m pretty satisfied with the woman I have become, and continue to become.

So why is there a little piece of myself that feels inadequate in some way because there isn’t a guy who wants to spend time with me for no reason other than to spend time with me?  Why isn’t loving myself enough for me? 

I know a handful of people who have trouble reconciling these two… things:  being satisfied with oneself yet still feeling lonely and in need of feeling loved/cared for/thought about by someone else. 

And I have no fucking clue how to do it.  And the more I think about it the more I don’t know.  I guess its just on two different planes, the love you give to yourself and the love you get from others.  One is basically completely dependent on yourself and your self-reflection, but the other is just completely out of your control.  If someone loves you then they love you.  You’ll never really know how or why, because they see you in a way you can never see you. 

And as much as it hurts and as much as it sucks when its not reciprocated, I guess you just have to keep trying to love people?  But, like, don’t get me wrong, I am SO not there.  Most people are still the worst for me.  Sorry.  Because I’m 23 and I over-think everything on every possible level, which is definitely a problem (sometimes).  But really, when it comes right down to it, some people love you and some don’t.

So maybe that’s it.  Sometimes things happen and sometimes they don’t.  And I guess we just have to deal.  But most of the time, I think most of us are better than fine.