I don’t know. anyway. whatever.

Girls primp themselves, put on makeup, and wear nice, “form-flattering,” i.e. accentuating, clothes for a number of reasons. However, they primarily do this to attract a sexual partner. That is why when girls are around people they are comfortable with like their best friends or family, people who they aren’t trying to seduce, they are able to just go without these things and just be. Meanwhile, guys really don’t have to do much. I would say maybe they have to shower every so often, maybe brush their teeth sometimes, put on a clean shirt on the rare occasion, but on the whole they will get laid regardless if they do any of the aforementioned things. This, I do not understand. Has society not told us on several levels throughout our lives that men are the ones out for sex more so than women, and that they need women to do this (going to stay heteronormative on this one). Accordingly, they should ostensibly be the ones putting on colorful, tight clothes that show off their bodies, and strutting around hoping that we choose them and grace them with our presence and our participation in any sexual act or relationship.  Humankind has deviated from the animals in many ways, but a most striking way is in gender relations. One notable example is birds, where for the most part as far as I know (take note- I am not a biology student nor an expert on animal life), the male birds have colorful feathers and use this to attract the ladies. Why are we prancing around, begging for the attention? Also, once that attention is FINALLY gained (after agonizing hours of text message games), why is it that so many men decide they are over this shit, and move on to the next person. Also, why can men seemingly do that "on to the next one" thing so much more swiftly and carefree than women? We try SO HARD to achieve that level of nonchalance and yet it rarely seems to transpire, and when it does seemingly for other women, we doubt its veracity.  Several women I know, and I assume countless others, wish  they could go about sexual relationships in this manner:

Girl 1: Hi. I would like to have sex with you. Are you interested?
Boy 1: answer a) Yes. I have a penis. You are moderately attractive. Let’s go to whoever’s apartment is closest and use some form of pregnancy stopper.

answer b) no I have a girlfriend / wife / boyfriend / husband

answer c) No thanks.

And then, ideally, if this were to happen, and the boy’s answers were either b or c, the girl could just proceed to this conversation, somewhere else, later that day, without any major drama.

Girl 1: “Hi. I find you sexually attractive. Are you interested?”
Boy 2: Yes. I have a penis. You are moderately attractive. Let’s go to whoever’s apartment is closest and use some form of pregnancy stopper.

Girl 1: Cool let’s go.

If you are at a vending machine, and they are out of coke, but you are thirsty, you should arguably be able to just get over it and buy sprite. Or rather, alternatively, go to the dep across the street and buy coke there. But that does not happen. Girls tend to stand outside the vending machine for a while, thinking about why the machine didn't produce the coke. Girl 1 will then tend to mull on the fact that Boy 1 rejected her and think about the number of reasons why this could be the case and about what is wrong with her. Meanwhile, the reason she was rejected could be a number of things, and be entirely on him.

In any case because the world is populated by so many people, one would think it would be easier to adopt this “on to the next one” attitude. However, for some reason, it does not seem to be working for so many wonderful girls. Several of my friends and I have been told, or have just concluded ourselves, that in order to be a part of a relationship, to gain that elusive status, we must give up a part of ourselves. I have heard (mostly from older people. Mostly from parents) that us “smart” girls will meet the right person at some point who will appreciate our intelligence and our weirdness. However, I wonder if we do not need to sacrifice at least a part of ourselves in order to become a part of a “whole,” and also, if it is even worth it in the end when you become this shell of your true self. Are you more truly happy when you are your unbroken, single self, or is there greater happiness achieved in losing part of yourself in a relationship. I don’t know. Anyway. Whatever.

19 Tips for Males in 2012

Yesterday on Thought Catalog, Christopher Hudspeth wrote an article entitled 19 Tips for Females in 2012 which paints women (once again, sigh) as materialistic, silly, appearance-obsessed cliches. The article was tagged with a disclaimer that reads "I know these tips don't apply to the majority of females and I'm kidding (for the most part)," and I sense this was done to stop women from finding where he lives and egging his overly expensive apartment in Williamsburg. As a reaction to this list, I now present 19 Tips for Males in 2012. 


Disclaimer: I know these tips apply to the majority of males between twenty and twenty-six and I am not kidding (for the most part)


1. If her greatest attribute is a nice body, run in the opposite direction (Smart girls are better because (shock!) you can actually talk to them
2. Start approaching girls and stop being afraid of them, because we still want to be pursued though we are "modern" and self-professed feminists. Really, it doesn't take much. 
3. Don't believe that girls do not want sex as much as guys because that really is not true at all. 
4. Just because a girl has an edgy hair cut does not make her an interesting individual.
5. Always. ALWAYS take the advice and listen to Beyonce about how to treat women. 
6. It is alright to watch sports and talk about sports but don't get mad if I get bored sometimes. 
7. Do not wear tattered, dirty clothing. This causes instant loss of hard on for women. 
8. Do wear t shirts that expose nice arms. Nice arms are nice. 
9. We get it, you like dubstep. Just don't shit on other people's music. There are other genres out there! 
10. Personal hygiene is as significant as you think. I have heard of plenty of girls rejecting decent guys because they didn't shower enough, or because they shaved improperly.
11. Don't "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man." Start acting like a gentleman and approach a lady like a man. Bring chivalry back. We like this.  
12. It is probably best to respond to texts immediately instead of waiting to appear aloof. Express interest or disinterest in a time effective manner. Games are not appreciated. 
13. If you base your expectations of women on porn, or on Charlize Theron films, please stop. 
14. Rule of Thumb: If she cancels plans on her girlfriends for you, she really cares for you. A girl's best friends are the most important thing to her. 
15. Never say or think "She is not very pretty, but I think regardless, I kind of love her." No. If you did love her, you would and should think she is the most beautiful, amazing person.
16. Stop thinking we don't like to eat. We love to eat. Food is great. Bring on the cheese. All the cheese. Cheese is the way to our heart. Screw flowers.  
17. Don't neglect us for Call of Duty, World of Warcraft or any number of video games. Play it when you don't have plans with us, sure, but don't neglect us to play a video game because that is pretty immature. Plus, it won't have sex with you. 
18. STOP thinking we hate on other women so much. It seems that you are the ones being overly critical, using a woman's "moustache hair" or Adele hips as a reason to not date her. Don't put that shit on us. 
19. Stop making things so complicated. Boys like girls. Girls like boys. Boys like Boys. Girls like Girls. Just get on it. Just do it and don't even think about it.