that time i lost all patience and exploded

I think I have reached my breaking point. In the last 24 hours, I have written thorough letters to old friends who are trying to reconnect with scathing attacks on their character and their ability (or inability, rather) to be good friends. This is so not something I do. Ordinarily, I would let them come back into town, and would skip merrily singing “lalala” as they continued to live under the assumption that I was still there, living in a glass box, ready to be taken out when they came back into town. Perhaps, as a result of being box girl for an excessive amount of time, I exploded out of the box, leaving shards of broken glass everywhere, including in me. Even though I am ostensibly the victim here, I feel like crap. I don’t wish to inflict pain on anybody! This stuff just needs to be said. So, this summer has been about complaining about boy problems with the same two people, and thus I developed a rather insular understanding of gender dynamics. That is why it was interesting when talking about boy stuff with an outsider, she said, “I can see that you are looking for a good boyfriend who upholds certain traits, but have you considered thinking about what kind of girlfriend you want to be, or what kind of wife you would like to be?” I never really thought about it in that way. Mind, exploded. I think after hearing her say that, I started to think about that and its application to my friendships. I think with good friends I act in a way that is consistent with how I would like to be treated. I expect loyalty, honesty, a general interest in each other’s lives and whereabouts and problems because I do this for my friends. Previously, when someone claimed to be my friend but acted inconsistently with my understanding of proper friendship, I laughed it off and chalked it up to their respective idiosyncrasies. However, I am kind of over that. I have lost all my patience for bullshit it seems.